In Which We Meet the Hebridean Baker, Sample a New Whisky, Visit a Lighthouse, and Learn About Rocket Mail

I’ve been back from Scotland for way too long. Almost six weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I am fortunate to have great friends, a home I love and fulfilling work. I live in a beautiful mountainous place steeped in outdoor culture. Literally everyone is moving here (looking at you Californians). For the record, I’m extremely lucky. Even so, I feel the gentle pull of a Scottish tractor beam (sorry, reading Patrick Stewart’s delightful bio) and it feels sustaining, like a program running in the background. I’m returning in May but honestly this seems like an age away. And as it happens there’s a Scottish Gaelic word expressing this feeling exactly. There is no English translation.

The word is cianalas, something I’ve written about before. It is a deep-seated sense of belonging to the place where your roots lie, or where you feel profoundly at home. It’s a feeling that you are exactly where you need to be in the world, a feeling that runs right down to your toes and causes you to smile idiotically while hiking across a moor alone in the fog, wind and driving rain. It’s a place that dampens anxiety and worry and offers more zen than an hour of meditation. Cianalas is longing for the place you belong. At the (very high) risk of sounding impossibly cheesy and naive, there it is.

(Tonal shift warning for a brief PSA: to avoid annoying Scots, Gaelic is pronounced with a short “a” like “apple” – the perhaps more familiar pronunciation with a long “a” like “table” refers to Irish Gaelic – same roots, different language.)

So after that bit of schmaltzy waxing poetical, let’s rejoin our regularly scheduled programming and return to the Outer Hebrides, which is where the word cianalas actually originated. Our merry band of Wilderness Scotland travelers stayed at the lovely Harris Hotel in Tarbert. As Harris is the most mountainous area of the single landmass of Harris and Lewis, we planned to spend most of our hiking time there. Harris and Lewis combined are the largest island in Scotland with a population of about 21,000, and the important thing to remember is that most of them are MacLeods.

Our first day of walking featured more awesomely bad weather! We drove across a little bridge to another island southeast of Harris called Scalpay, and enjoyed a very rainy walk to Eilean Gas, one of the first four lighthouses to be built in Scotland. It looks back across the Minch toward Skye, so awesome views when it’s not all fogged in. It was built by Robert Stevenson in 1789 and became fully automated in 1978. Robert and his descendants designed and built basically all of Scotland’s lighthouses over a 150-year period. As we know, the black sheep of that family happened to be Robert Louis Stevenson, and our guide Liam shared how much he enjoyed imagining young Robert sitting off to one side, completely bored by all this tedious lighthouse whatever business, scribbling in a notebook and generally being a terrible disappointment to his family. Liam clearly saw RLS as a kindred spirit.

The grounds are pretty cool to wander about, with barracks and other associated buildings. If you happen to be there during high season, there’s even a coffee shop with views over the sea. I stared longingly through the windows at the espresso machine as a wee shot would have been just the thing on the cold wet day. “There’s an espresso machine in there, ” I told everyone, alas, to no avail.

Here’s a cool thing. We happened to be visiting on the 234th anniversary of the original lighting of the lamp.

Liam told a story that I haven’t been able to confirm and that he might have conflated with another tale of a different Hebridean lighthouse, and so I’m going to share both as they are equally creepily awesome. He explained that two families once lived at Eilean Glas and their job was to operate the lighthouse – it was very remote, no roads, and so the families had to be self-sustaining by growing their own food and so on. Apparently there were reports that the lamp hadn’t been lit for a few days, and so a crew was dispatched to investigate. They found food on the table and other signs of a sudden disappearance – and not a single family member remained, nor was anyone ever found. This got my mind spinning about writing a novel based on this unsolved mystery – I mean c’mon it’s basically an X-File and practically writes itself. So, when I got home, I did some googling.

The (rather well-known, actually) story I found involved the sudden disappearance of three men at the Eilean Mor lighthouse in the Flannen Islands about 32 miles west of Lewis. On December 26, 1900, a small ship arrived on shore, bringing a replacement lighthouse keeper, Joseph Moore. Strangely, nobody was at the landing platform to greet them, so Moore walked up the hill to the lighthouse. He noticed something was immediately sketchy as its door was unlocked and two of the three oilskin coats were missing from the entrance hall. In the kitchen Moore found half-eaten food and an overturned chair as if someone had jumped from their seat. And (whispers) the kitchen clock had stopped.

The men were never found, although there were some strange recent log entries. On December 12, Thomas Marshall, the second assistant, wrote of “severe winds the likes of which I have never seen before in twenty years.” Marshall also noted that James Ducat, the Principal Keeper, had been “very quiet” (serial killer alert!) and that the third assistant, William McArthur, a seasoned mariner and known as a “tough brawler,” had been crying. So maybe the quiet one lost his mind due to the alleged high winds and maybe the crying, killed the other two and tossed them into the ocean, and wandered off into the mist and over a cliff.

I say “alleged” because a later investigation by British authorities revealed that there were no reported storms in the area at that time. The weather was calm.

Maybe all three of them got drunk, went for a walk and took a pratfall into the sea at the same time, maybe it was a sea monster (amateur sleuths at the time really considered this), or it could have had something to do with the islands’ namesake St. Flannen. He was a 6th century Irish Bishop who later became a saint. He built a chapel on the island (the lighthouse keepers called it the “dog kennel” due to its size which possibly wasn’t great karma) and for centuries shepherds used to bring sheep to graze nearby but refused to sleep over due to reported haunty spirits.

Nobody has lived on the Flannen Islands since 1971, when the lighthouse became automated. I wonder if Moore stayed behind to operate the place or if he suffered a debilitating case of the willies and retired.

As for my plan to write a mystery, well, it’s been done and done again as far as Eilean Mor is concerned. The disappearances were included in episodes of Dr. Who, Genesis wrote an entire freaking song about it and there’s even a 2018 movie called The Vanishing with Gerard Butler.

So I might write a mystery about Liam’s story at Eilean Glas instead. A psychological thriller with lots of family drama and insanity from being trapped in a remote location with scarce resources, but also there is a sea monster and the ghost of a crazy saint and a chapel with a dog in it.

After story time at the lighthouse (Scots truly are natural storytellers), half of us headed back to the van and the rest completed the loop hike along the coast – the bog factor was off the charts which reminded Liam about that one time he had to pull a guest out of a sucking bog that was basically Scottish quicksand. We also happened upon the skeletal remains of a sheep. Don’t worry, it was all fine. As was the remarkable scenery. The red you see is water-logged sphagnum moss. More about that later.

Liam was a master at identifying plants and mushrooms along the trail, and on this hike he showed us some white spidery reindeer moss (which is actually a lichen). Pro-tip: if you ever find yourself walking for days across a frozen Norwegian tundra whilst on a secret mission to stop Hitler from gaining access to heavy water (a byproduct of fertilizer production that could be used to develop nuclear weapons), you must locate a reindeer. Of course, you need to kill the reindeer (sorry) for the meat and maybe to crawl inside the carcass for warmth, but also you can eat the reindeer moss in their stomachs as it is partially digested and thus more palatable for humans – and happens to be a vital source of vitamin C.

It is perhaps understatement to say that a mind-boggling set of circumstances had to exist to prevent Germany from developing and deploying a nuclear weapon before we did, and the seemingly innocuous hero known as reindeer moss could have been one of them.

Speaking of Nazis and nuclear weapons, I’ll just take a moment to drop a plug for Oppenheimer and this Oscar-worthy brilliant performance.

The singular Cillian Murphy

We ended our rather splendid, if water-logged day with a tour of Harris Distillery, the first (legal, ahem) distillery in Harris. It was opened and commenced production in 2015. Considering how long it takes to make and release whisky, the distillery did an excellent marketing job during what ended up being an eight-year interim period that included COVID. The BBC produced a documentary about their story, they held local and virtual ceilidhs and turned the distillery into a community gathering space. By 2017, the distillery had welcomed 144,000 visitors, including Prince Charles.

Also, like many Scottish distilleries, Harris makes a gin which provided income to hold them over since whipping up gin is a snap. While Botanist is probably the most well-known artisanal whisky-distillery crafted Scottish gin in the States, made by Bruichladdich on Islay, the behemoths, Hendrick’s, Gordon’s and Tanqueray – are also made in Scotland. The Harris gin is very, very tasty and was a smashing success from the jump. Its botanical of note is local sugar kelp seaweed (two tons collected by 2017) along with juniper, coriander, angelica root and cassia bark. It’s sold in a beautiful and distinctive ridged blue tinged bottle which won a Gold Award at the World Gin Awards in 2021 and is used as a table water bottle everywhere you look.

In yet another fun coincidence – Harris at last released its first whisky while we were there, the Hearach, which is Gaelic for a resident of Harris. And let me tell you, the entire island was utterly and completely stoked. We didn’t go anywhere the Hearach wasn’t offered up with a tinge of pride and excitement. The restaurant we had dinner on our final night, Flavour, which features just one seating, a tasting menu and an open kitchen, included the whisky in every single course and someone from the distillery was there to chat with us. The distillery has had a positive impact on the island economy, both in terms of tourism and its employment of local young people. It was created from the ground up as an integrated member of the Harris community. You love to see it, and you can definitely feel it.

The whisky is good, selling like hotcakes (I love that the first whisky release was 1,916 bottles, one for each resident of Harris), and the tour was fascinating. Every aspect of the distillery, the design, the materials, all of it – was carefully thought out and is related to Harris and its people. Many family members are involved with the company – and many women. And it’s the first distillery in my experience where they offer guests a taste of “pure spirit,” the clear liquid you see in the spirit safe – baby whisky before it’s casked and aged. Let me just say the alcohol content is hiiiigh.

Are we tired of fabulous coincidences? No? Well – as it turns out the world-renowned, gorgeous and utterly charming Hebridean Baker happened to be at the distillery that day (actually Liam rearranged our schedule to accommodate this) signing his new cookbook, his third, which hasn’t yet been released in the States. His name is Coinneach MacLeod (told you) and he had recently returned from a tour of the States and is heading out again next year. Two of my travel companions met him recently at the Grandfather Mountain Highland Games in North Carolina, and he was genuinely delighted to see them again. His cookbooks are not only filled with scrumptious recipes with a Scottish flair, but lots of stories and tales, many wonderful photographs of the Hebrides, its residents, his west highland terrier Sonnach and his partner Peter.

The following day was probably my favorite, Hebridean Baker notwithstanding, mostly because it was like a fantasy novel crossed with a Disney film, where our intrepid group were the only souls in existence – so maybe also a dash of post-apocalyptic adventure. We drove to one of the most well-known beaches on the west coast of Harris called Hùisinis, where a person could easily spend the entire day staring out to sea and pondering life’s big questions.

And we happened to run into some highland cattle on the drive there. These iconic beasts make tourists completely lose their minds. By this point I’ve seen a fair few of these lovely creatures during my travels but I will never fail to pull over when I come across a sacred Heilan Coo Gathering. In defense of tourists (which I rarely do) Liam, born and raised in Scotland, also loves them and kept remarking on their staggeringly high cuteness level. Coos are also extremely friendly and curious and seem to know they are being photographed because I swear they pose. They do not turn tail and skedaddle like sheep or other types of cattle. They must realize that they are a four-legged embodiment of Scotland and accept their lot with grace.

Yes, on an intellectual level, I know they are just cows.

And so after taking in the sands of Hùisinis our merry band of walkers headed up a cliff over the sea. We had a view of Scarp, a now uninhabited island that of course has an interesting and quirky history, this being Scotland and all. In the late 19th century the four square mile island boasted 213 residents. Fun fact, it was one of several Scottish islands where all the men gathered every morning in a so-called ‘parliament,’ to agree upon the work to be done that day. Sometimes these meetings could last several hours and this provides yet another example of why women should be in charge. The last family standing, Mr. and Mrs. Angus MacInnes and their two sons, left in 1971 on a boat. They landed at Hùisinis, their cattle swimming behind them. I like to think that they were highland cows.

Below is an undated photo of hardy Scarpians.

The remaining residents were Andrew Miller Mundy and his school friend Andrew Cox, who had moved to the island earlier that same year with his wife and baby. Several weeks after the MacInnes family left, a huge storm cut off the island and provisions ran low. Even though Scarp is only half a mile from Harris a storm can whip through that strait like nobody’s business, rendering it unnavigable due to swell and current. Mundy, in London at the time, sent a helicopter to rescue his girlfriend (romantic), a model who he later married (also romantic). And thus Scarp became a deserted island.

A handful of picturesque holiday homes remain that you’ll see in a minute, keeping in mind that they are only accessible via sea kayak. The island is owned by American musicologist Andrew Burr Bakewell, the founder of Harris Distillery. And I should see if he’s single.

I found a recent expired listing for a home on Scarp called The Primrose Cottage. A few tidbits: “There is no doubt the property requires significant upgrading,” and “we understand” the building had a new roof installed six years ago. There’s no septic, spring water is “available year-round” (bonus) and electricity is provided by a generator, although thankfully there is internet so what more do you need. The listing ends with “Brace yourself, Scarp is not for the faint-hearted.” There’s a restriction against using the property for “tourism/holidaymakers.” The realtors were accepting offers over £100,000. I wonder if it sold.

Liam also told us about another singular event for which Scarp is reknowned. In 1934 it became the setting of an exciting, if dubious, trial of the Western Isles Rocket Post (I swear). German scientist Gerhard Zucker, apparently filled with a desire to “bring the world together” via a postal-delivery system tried to send a literal rocket packed with 4,000 letters (some addressed to the King) over to Harris.

The mission failed with a dull explosion and a puff of smoke with smoldering letters scattered everywhere.

The day the rocket was launched, 28 July 1934, became known as Latha na Rocait. There’s a film about the whole affair named The Rocket Post that won the grand prize at the Stony Brook Film Festival. A play by the same name was produced in 2017 by the National Theatre of Scotland. The publicity materials state that it’s “part-play, part-gig and part-hoedown,” and is “full of humour, heart and hope for the future, it’s a tale of miscommunication, vaulting ambition and the joyous discoveries that can happen when everything goes wrong.” Indeed.

So what ever happened to Gerhard? Online sources suggest that he was deported back to Germany for postal fraud which is sort of hilarious, only to be detained by the German government for having cooperated with the British, which is more on the perilous side. Apparently Gerhard had pitched his rocket mail idea to the Germans before his Hebridean experiment. He joined the Luftwaffe, was badly wounded in 1944, and ended up working as a furniture dealer in West Germany and thus his wish to bring the world together ultimately fizzled out just like his rocket.

The Strait of Scarp, or Caolas an Scarp
Magic mushroom
Sheepie butts

So, after our beautiful cliffside walk, we dropped down to another impossibly white beach, Tràigh Mheilein, only accessible via this walk. Spectacularly beautiful, deserted, and seemingly stretching on into forever. Gorgeous multi-colored rounded stones were everywhere, evidence of the complicated geographical history of the island. The weather changed approximately five million times as we meandered down the beach. Rain pants off, rain pants on, sand everywhere. Rainbows, dark clouds, blue sky, wind, no wind. The beach was framed by the Strait of Scarp with distant Atlantic views on one side and green rocky hills on the other. The water constantly changed color and character along with the weather. A few quintessentially Hebridean houses sat like lonely sentinels across the water on Scarp.

After a hasty picnic lunch in a sheltered area behind some rocks, we turned away from the water and climbed up onto a ledge where a huge expanse of bright green stretched out before us. It was like stepping through a portal into another world. There was no trail per se, we just traversed its expanse like we were in the Sound of freaking Music, only with the ocean behind us and below and mountains and lochs ahead. Each of us exclaimed something along the lines of holy crap how is this a place that exists. The well-traveled Liam shared that it was his favorite spot, maybe in the world.

Could only convince one of our crew to do the traditional model pose with me.
Liam in his favorite place.

We walked along this loch, marveling at the lonely white house on the other side (a deer stalking cottage leased by a nearby estate) when suddenly a green field studded with white rocks opened before us – and hundreds of bunnies scampered in a flurry, disappearing down into their warrens. It was – ridiculously magical. Of course I couldn’t snap a photo in time, but they were just here:

We walked a bit farther and then spotted a huge herd of red deer up on the ridge – and they kept a steady eye on us as we climbed up toward them, finally dispersing as we grew too close.

The views back over the loch and bunnyville were fab.

As we crested the ridge and headed back to the sea a juvenile sea eagle soared overhead, tracing giant, graceful circles in the sky. While commonly referred to sea eagles, they are officially called white tailed eagles. They boast a seven foot wing span and are the largest bird of prey in UK. They almost became extinct in early 20th century, mostly due to death-by-landowner. These were wealthy owners of vast estates who were protecting their game birds, which they keep stocked for shooting parties of hunter types who have paid massive sums for the experience. I mean seriously this is not at all vital or even interesting and why is this even a debate. Anyway thanks to modern conservation efforts and breeding programs in Scotland and England, the sea eagles have been making a comeback. Unfortunately they remain endangered as gamekeepers who work on these aforementioned estates are still poisoning them. In response, the Scottish government has pulled shooting licenses in the hope that this would reduce these crimes. Unfortunately cases are hard to prove unless one finds the bird and runs a tox screen within a certain period of time and can pinpoint the culprits. Surely, the majestic sea eagles must prevail over such waste and stupidity.

A few snaps from our walk down the ridge:

We had a lovely afternoon tea on Hùisinis beach before hopping back in the van. As we drove away we passed the coos again and Liam obligingly stopped in the middle of the road so we could bid them a fond adieu. One of them walked over to my window in greeting, politely requesting a head scratch, which I gladly obliged. His/her horns banged against the side of the van, so apologies to Wilderness Scotland.

We finished our day by hiking down Glen Meavaig, a wildlife refuge featuring the North Harris Eagle Observatory, built to provide a sheltered spot for viewing a resident nesting pair of golden eagles. Sadly we did not see them. Apparently the Universe felt that we had seen enough magical creatures for one day.

I’ll leave you with a very cool fact about North Harris. It was purchased by the community in 2003, and its 25,900 acres make up one of the largest community owned estates in Scotland. The North Harris Trust, which manages the land on behalf of the community, has an open membership to all residents and is run by a board of locally elected volunteer directors. Very cool.

The Last Post: Peat, Standing Stones, Snow, Whisky and Back to Skye

Callanais Stones, Isle of Lewis

Our last full day in the Outer Hebrides dawned with a bittersweet tinge. Wind-swept, isolated and bewitching Harris had started to seep into my bones and I felt strangely reluctant to leave. We had one more walk before us, followed by a drive down the Golden Road and a fancy farewell dinner.

We headed to the southwestern corner of Harris, our destination an uninhabited peninsula connected to the rest of the island via a sandy machair in between two bays. A machair (pronounced “mach’ – like loch – er”) is fertile, well-drained grassland found in Scotland and Ireland which is formed by sand being blown over peat. It creates a unique habitat with diverse bird life and blankets of meadow flowers in early summer. However, with winter approaching, the flowers and birdies were long gone.

A double rainbow arched over the road on our drive there.

We parked the van next to a charming and quirky cafe snuggled in the middle of nowhere called Temple Harris, featuring a spectacular array of pastries and killer views over a sandy bay ringed with hills. We strolled down a road toward the westernmost summit of Harris and our climb of the day, Ceopabhal (pronounced Chaipaval – p.s., sorry for all these pronunciation tips but I want you to be the hit of your next cocktail party).

We walked across the machair in capriciously changing weather and made our way through a herd of colorful shaggy cows that appeared to be Highland Cattle/Belted Galloway crosses, which I am totally here for. Fighting our way through a sudden gusty squall, we crested a hill and Traig na Cleavag magically came into view, yet another pristine and deserted Harris beach. This one was guarded by an ancient sentinel – a ruined medieval chapel known as Rubh’ an Teampaill aka Northton Temple. It was built on the site where an Iron Age broch once stood, on land which has been continuously occupied since the Mesolithic era (as this particular era often comes up at cocktail parties, along with Gaelic pronunciation opportunities, a wee reminder this was 10,000 to 8,000 BCE, so very much olden times, or dare I say, days of yore).

Ceopabhal loomed over us for the entirety of our walk, and I eyed the hill with a slight amount of trepidation, mostly because I made the mistake of reading about it in advance on the Walkhighlands website (the bible of Scottish hillwalking).

The climb featured a 1,200 foot elevation gain over 6/10 of a mile. This is indisputably a bit on the steepish side, in fact Walkhighlands mentioned in passing that a “great amount of effort” was necessary to reach its summit. Also Liam made us stop and eat a protein bar just before the steep bit for “fortification.” Yikes. So once again the ascent was trail-free – we just zig-zagged our way up through clumps of heather. My main pro tip would be to make sure you lean forward into the hill. At least it was so rainy and windy that trying not to get blown off the trail to our deaths (only slightly exaggerating) served as an excellent distraction from the aggressive angle of the climb.

At the summit (yay!), the views were 360 degrees (largely into fantastic storms, but you could see the mountains of Skye). The wind had truly become a biblical sort of tempest, known in these parts as “blowing a hoolie,” although I did valiantly manage a few snaps and a cairn photo.

We walked to the lee side of the hill, mercifully sheltered from the hoolie, and sat in some soft comfy moss to enjoy a picnic looking out over a gorgeous bay.

The fine folks at Walkhighlands.com recommended retracing one’s steps back down the hill. My knees were entirely dreading this prospect because going up a steep slope is one thing, going down (while being blown about by a hoolie) is an entirely different situation. This advice was based on their view that walking down the hill on its lee side would take one through “deep heather” and thus should be avoided. Mercifully, Liam had other ideas.  We indeed took the more gradual route toward the bay, winding our way through heather and floating across fluffy, deep mounds of sweet, sweet sphagnum moss. Let me tell you it was delightful. Imagine traipsing down a hill on living, breathing sponges of memory foam. That’s what it was like. I put my hiking sticks away.

Speaking of moss, you can’t go to Scotland without considering peat. No seriously. Peat is formed from plant material throughout the ages that does not fully decompose, and sphagnum moss is one of its main ingredients.  Peatlands cover about 20% of Scotland and yet 80% has been degraded over time. It has been hacked away and drained since the 1800s to make room for agriculture. For centuries it has also been cut, dried, and used in fireplaces for heating homes. It still is. 

Peat harvesting on Harris.

Peatlands are among the most carbon-rich ecosystems on Earth and have a net cooling effect on climate.  Healthy peatlands can also reduce flood risk by slowing the flow of water from the uplands. If you hold a small handful of sphagnum moss and give it a squeeze, enough water will run out to fill a juice glass. Without peat, one is left with completely nonabsorbent bedrock which isn’t great in a country where it is usually raining. Peatlands also promote biodiversity by providing vital habitat for birds, insects and plants. Peat bogs are sometimes referred to as the rainforests of the UK.

A few more cool things about peat. You may have seen an episode of the BBC mystery Shetland where a decades-old body was found perfectly preserved in a peat bog and wondered why.  (Fun fact: There have been only two murders in Shetland over the last 50 years, rather than the 1-2 murders per week as depicted in the show. This aside provides an excuse for a Douglas Henshall call out for a lot of reasons).

Doug Henshall as Jimmy Perez in Shetland.

The explanation for peat’s ability to preserve (ahem) organic matter is this. As a bog grows, and new peat replaces old peat, the older material underneath rots and releases humic acid, also known as bog acid, with pH levels similar to vinegar. Not to put too fine a point on it, but bog acid preserves human bodies in the same way fruit is preserved by pickling. And of course not just humans – a wooly mammoth was once discovered buried in peat that still had its fur and food in its mouth.

Peat also creates and stores iodine. The iodine causes sphagnum moss to look very yellow and even red when it’s waterlogged. This is why many Scottish rivers appear golden in color – it’s not tea, or (sadly) whisky – it’s iodine-laced runoff.  Also, iodine’s antiseptic properties mean that sphagnum moss acts as a water filtration system so in a pinch you can use water squeezed from moss for hydration – and even more interesting, it was used to pack wounds during wartime since it’s both sterile and absorbent.

Most crucially from a climate change perspective, Scotland’s peatlands store 16 million tonnes of carbon (one tonne is 9% larger than a metric ton) and possibly shouldn’t be released into the atmosphere at this particular juncture. Draining water away from peat bogs to support agriculture causes the peat to dry, resulting in the vegetation decomposing much faster – and the release of carbon. Similarly, burning peat has the potential to release hundreds of years of stored carbon back into the atmosphere. Ultimately it’s quite beneficial to have large land masses that actually capture and store carbon.

I know what you are thinking – what about (gulp) whisky? Much of Scotland’s whisky is made from sprouted barley that has been dried by peat fire. It imparts a lovely campfire vibe to the golden liquid which causes people to either fall in love or cough with watering eyes and an alarmed expression. An iconic flavor either way, especially with Islay whiskies. As it turns out, whisky accounts for only about 1% of the UK’s peat use and as you can imagine defending the cultural significance of Scotland’s whisky-making tradition has been the central pillar of the industry’s case during the government’s development of its peat policy. Distilleries have pledged to make peat use more sustainable, although given its glacial pace of regeneration (1mm a year) this is a matter of debate. Distilleries are also experimenting with using different botanicals to light on fire for barley drying. Glenmorangie has just released a “Taste of the Forest” expression where they used pine, juniper, woodland moss and eucalyptus as fuel.

The good news is that peatland restoration and preservation is very very big in the UK and heroic efforts are underway to preserve and increase the resource – with some measurable success.  So fingers crossed.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

So let’s rejoin our merry band of descending walkers as they bounce down Ceopabhal on cushions of sphagnum moss. Before I share a few photos, after hearing all this peat talk from Liam we were sensitive about trodding on this precious resource, but he assured us that it quite literally bounces right back due to its buoyant density. Phew.

Upon our triumphant return to the van, we snagged a coffee and pastry (and a wee bit of shopping) at Temple Harris.  Everyone leaves their packs outside on the wooden bench without worry of misadventure.

Duly fortified, we struck off down the Golden Road, a spectacularly winding single track route along Harris’s rocky east coast. It’s widely assumed it got its name due to its eye-wateringly spendy construction cost.   After Liam cheerfully told us that if anyone was going to barf in the van, this would likely be the time, he offered distraction from the terrifying prospect of public motion sickness by launching into storytelling mode. He regaled us with mystical tales of dubious provenance featuring two dangerous and wily Scottish creatures.

First on the agenda – kelpies. Typically residing in and lurking about black lochs, they take the form of a horse, appearing to unwary humans as being a helpful sort of creature. They entice travelers to ride them over the loch, seemingly a more expeditious route than walking around them. It’s a trap! Once a person mounts the horse, it gallops to the deepest end of the loch, dragging its hapless rider below the water to their death and, ultimately, consumption (yikes). This legend was used to keep children away from lochs and also provided therapy fodder for later in life.

You may have seen this gorgeous sculpture by Andy Scott. The Kelpies were installed in 2013 near Falkirk and are a ginormous 98 feet high. It’s beautifully lit at night, and even if you don’t have time to stop, the giant kelpies loom over the M9 between Edinburgh and Stirling.

Next we turned to tales of the more benign selkies. They are also water-dwelling shapeshifters, but transform between seal and human by shedding and replacing their skin. As humans, selkies are incredibly attractive, graceful, kind natured and (avert your eyes) seductive, and so humans tend to fall desperately in love with them.  Selkies have also been tricked into marrying humans, usually by a nefarious person who steals and hides their seal skin, preventing them from returning to the sea. Not cool. Selkies are known for their benevolence, saving the lives of children or fishermen who have fallen into the sea.

There you have it. Keep up your guard if you visit Scotland – as these mythical beings pose more danger than any other resident creatures other than – dreaded midges.

We took a break from the Golden Road at Clo Mor, the charming Harris Tweed Exhibition. I will admit to you that prior to my visit to Harris, I had presumed that Harris tweed, since it’s pretty ubiquitous, was mass-produced, probably in China. Luckily I didn’t say that out loud to anyone. In actual fact, to qualify as Harris tweed, the textile must be “handwoven by the islanders at their homes in the Outer Hebrides, finished in the Outer Hebrides, and made from pure virgin wool dyed and spun in the Outer Hebrides,” according to an actual Act of Parliament.  Approximately 400 islanders were working in this industry as of late 2017, and you can visit them in their home, see their looms and watch them work. Consider my eyes opened.

We next stopped at Hebrides People Visitors Center in Northton, a genealogical resource for folks researching their ancestry that tells the history of the people and landscapes of Harris and the Western Isles. Our last stop on the Golden Road was St. Clemens, a medieval church founded by Alasdair MacLeod, 8th chief of Clan MacLeod. He died in 1547, and his tomb is in the church, along with a passle of other ancient MacLeods.  One wonders where the 1st – 7th MacLeod clan chiefs are buried.

My favorite peeps – sisters Victoria and Margaret

Our day ended in grand style with dinner at Flavour, an intimate restaurant on Harris with one seating and a chef, Chris Loye, who talked us through every beautiful and scrumptious dish on his tasting menu.  That night each dish incorporated, with pride, the newly released Heurach whisky from Harris Distillery. A woman from the distillery lovingly shared its story at the conclusion of our meal. She poured everyone a complimentary dram, clocking with a wry smile that I had been accidentally drinking a Talisker (from Skye).  Dang. As it turns out, she had been sitting at the table next to us with a couple who were right out of central casting for a show about a boring and very very rich English couple with plummy accents and unfortunate and ostentatious sartorial taste. I only wish I had been able to photograph the man’s pointy and aggressively shiny brown shoes.   We decided he was probably an investor in the distillery and so may be forgiven for his wardrobe choices.

Chris telling us All The Things about each course.  He and his wife spent four years on the road traveling to more than 30 countries learning about food. Back in Scotland, they started with a pop-up restaurant in their home and catering private dinners, finally securing a lease for this restaurant from the North Harris Trust. They built it during the pandemic and it opened in 2021. Now they are written up all over the place. They have Michelin dreams and I wouldn’t doubt it for a second.
The fabulous kitchen staff and obviously the dude busting me on the left is the English guy. Note the tight tight tight shirt which isn’t doing him any favors and I am terrible.

My friends, we have finally arrived on the last day of our fabulous Wilderness Scotland trip. We set off toward Stornaway, on Lewis, to catch the ferry to Ullapool on the mainland.  On our way we stopped at, in my humble opinion, the most magnificent stone circle in a country chocked full of them, the Calanais (Callanish) Stones.  Yes, yes, yes, replicas were made of these stones and then installed on the mainland at the fictitious site of Craig Na Dun for Outlander. Needless to say, they are so much more than that. Our little merry group had them to ourselves and they did not disappoint.

The stones are installed in the shape of a cross with an inner circle. They were erected 5,000 years ago and predate Stonehenge. It is thought that they were an important place of ritual activity for at least 2,000 years and possibly a kind of astronomical observatory.  They are incredibly photogenic, even in the (again) driving rain and wind.

Our last official Outer Hebrides site was Dun Carloway Broch, one of the best preserved brochs in Scotland. These mysterious Iron Age monuments exist nowhere else but here. While these circular structures are as symbolic a feature as any in the highlands, their purpose remains unknown, although it is thought that they were residential structures for fancy people.

On the ferry back to the mainland, as we sailed through calm waters surrounded by hills on various land masses, Jacq, daughter of Margaret and niece of Victoria and awesome human being, turned to me and said incredulously, “There are mountains everywhere here.” I have told so many people about that comment because – I mean it’s true, yes there are. And that is one of the crazy unique Scotland things that for some reason I had never articulated. It doesn’t matter if you are on an island, in the middle of the mainland or on a ferry – there are indeed mountains everywhere. And as a person who needs mountains – that is a plus.

As all things do, the tour at last came to an end and we all bid a fond farewell in Inverness. I snagged dinner at Hootenanny’s, listening to some live music, and spent the night in my favorite B&B in Inverness, Castleview Guest House, run by the wonderful Eleanor and her 14 year old Jack Russell, Mia. I found the place back in 2018 because Rick Steves recommended it, and Eleanor said on his visit years ago he was most enamored of her hand-written, nearly illegible guest reservation book.

Sweet Mia

I know this sounds insane but the next day I rented a car and drove back to Skye. It’s actually not that far and Skye is Skye, so maybe not insane but only slightly eccentric. I stopped at Glen Affric, another splendid nature reserve on the mainland. And, best of all, there was snow on them thar hills.

Glen Affric, along with many other reserves I had visited over the past few weeks, is one of rewilding zones of Scotland. This restoration and conservation effort had become rather an unintended but very much appreciated mantra of my trip and thankfully is a government priority. Trees and other vegetation are planted in these areas with the goal of creating a landscape that more closely resembles the Scotland of thousands of years ago, which is not the bare hills of the highlands that we are accustomed to seeing, but rather a more forested landscape providing a more diverse habitat for a greater variety of flora and fauna. For example, trees are often planted along rivers to provide shade and cool the water so salmon can thrive.

Some in the countryside advocate passionately for rewilding, others see it as an existential threat to their culture, history, and way of life. Farmers, deer stalkers, ghillies and gamekeepers are quite anxious about the impact these plans will have on their jobs. For example, Scotland is teeming with too many deer which denude the landscape – contributing to the problem – by eating foliage from the roots (as opposed to sheep whose style is more like a lawnmower) yet efforts to cull the herd have run into resistance from landowners and staff whose income is wedded to the deer stalking business.

Be that as it may, rewilding efforts are grounded in the belief that land is not primarily for generating income from sporting activities, forestry or commercial agriculture, it’s for, you know, life writ large. Creating, nurturing and protecting wild land produces the oxygen and the biodiversity we need to survive and offers solace and inspiration for our imaginations and our souls. So there.

Returning to our beautiful drive back to Skye, there was also a sprinkling of snow on the peaks surrounding Glen Shiel. No matter how old I get, there is always something magical about the first snow of the year.

Once over the Skye Bridge, I drove through Glen Sligichan, this time in gorgeous weather and so stopped for a photo of the wily Black and Red Cuillins, since as you’ll remember they were shrouded in mist and dreich the week before.

Full circle: a hooded crow on the car once again, this time in better conditions.

In Skye, I stayed in Uig, where we also stayed during the Wilderness Scotland trip, which I swear I didn’t realize in advance. I knew we were staying somewhere on Skye but no idea where. Crazy.  Clearly meant to be, yeah? Anyway, I stayed at a fabulous B&B, Abhaig House, run by an even more fabulous couple, Viv and Steve, who brought me a piece of a home-baked cake every single day. The view from my room was unbelievable, and I arrived to a charcuterie board with fresh salmon prepared by my hosts for a most delectable dinner, complete with a jaw-dropping sunset view.

The next morning I woke up early and drove just a few minutes to one of Skye’s honeypots, the Fairy Glen. It’s usually crawling with ugh tourists but we are now in late October, and I arrived at sunrise so it was mine all mine.  Just a crazy beautiful and singular area on the backside of the Quiraing. Geology, my friend. Geology. I mean what IS this place.

After my little walk, a delightful breakfast at Abhaig.

I then drove southwest to Glenbrittle beach, where I thought I’d head partway up the hike to Coire Laggan in the Black Cuillins. I knew I didn’t have enough time to do the entire walk, sadly. I kept going a little bit further and a little bit further still – just to that ridge there, then I’ll turn around, oh wait there’s another little bit…..  And lo there came a time when I needed to pull slightly off the trail to drop trou and do a wee pee – and as looked up from my undignified squat toward the Cuillin ridge, to my horror descending walkers appeared in the distance WHO PROBABLY SAW ME and so I took that as my sign and scarpered back down to the car in giggly horror.

The black sands of Glenbrittle Beach

The reason I didn’t have enough time is because I had booked a reservation at the chef’s kitchen table at the renowned Three Chimneys restaurant, where I had enjoyed a wonderful meal with Danielle the previous spring. It was super fun sitting in the kitchen and the only other guests were a very blonde and adorable couple from London on their honeymoon. Both lawyers! Both liberal!  Brexit is terrible! Trump is terrible! Yay! A chef’s table can be risky, god knows, but we hit the jackpot and had a lively and interesting conversation for the entire meal. They were staying in the lovely rooms at the Three Chimneys, whereas I had a half hour drive back across Skye on single track roads in the pitch dark with silly sheepies snoozing like RIGHT there on the edge of the road like fuzzy doofuses.  But seriously – what a great night.

The next day I caught the ferry to Raasay, a small island with 192 denizens just to the east of Skye.  It’s a very short and very beautiful ferry ride.

When we disembarked I set off down a crumbly wee road toward a short hike that looked pretty cool. I did not see another car or another person.

There was a tiny parking area at the end of the road, thus:

I embarked on yet another gobsmackingly gorgeous coastal hike to the ruins of Hallaig, a clearance village, one of several cleared communities on Raasay, where the residents were forcibly evicted or encouraged to move to make way for sheep grazing on the island in the 1800s.  There’s a monument along the trail that includes a poem about the ruins called “Hallaig,”by Sorley Maclean.

Back through the gloaming to Hallaig

Through the vivid speechless air,

Pouring down the steep slopes,

Their laughter misting my ear

And their beauty a glaze on my heart.

Then as the kyles go dim

And the sun sets behind Dun Cana

Love’s loaded gun will take aim.

A few photos of the ruins.

Could not resist a few smiley selfies in that sad and somber place because good god IT WAS SUNNY.

I think this walk resulted in some of the most incredible photos from my entire trip – the light, the location, the mountains, the ocean.

As you can see, this was another walk where I didn’t see another human being, which is absolutely my preference to be honest. My mom asked me to write about what it was like to hike alone in remote areas in a foreign country.  The answer is that it’s awesome and makes me blissfully happy and at peace.  An adventure in the best possible way because the risk level is very, very low and yet you are out in the wild! On the moors! Gazing across oceans and up mountains!  So many wild coos and sheepies! And I’m not naive, I know full well that folks have often found themselves in trouble hiking in the UK, involving mountain rescue teams, helicopter evacs, injury and even death. I don’t know what to say except that the thought never crosses my mind that something bad might happen because a) I’m in Scotland and b) there’s so much joyful zen in my brain. I’m so completely present in the moment as they say, that all thoughts of worry have nowhere to grab hold. For what it’s worth, my mom doesn’t worry about me either, which is quite literally unheard of. So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I sat in the car for a few minutes enjoying the bag lunch of a fresh salmon salad Viv and Steve prepared, and then started the short drive back toward the ferry so I’d make it to Raasay Distillery in time for my tour.  Along the way I came upon a Scottish traffic jam, but not to worry, I made it.

Opened in 2017, Raasay released its first whisky in 2020. The 2022 Scottish Whisky Awards named Rassay Distillery of the Year, and it’s a beautiful facility with drop-dead views. They released their first whisky in 2021 and their single malt combines six signature casks – maturing peated and unpeated spirit separately in ex-rye whisky, virgin Chinkapin oak and Bordeaux red wine casks. The first of this cask combination in Scotch whisky history. The exact proportions are, of course, top secret.

A lovely, sophisticated English woman with a dry wit was our tour guide. She had retired to Raasay a few years prior with her French husband and was obviously enjoying her retirement gig at the distillery. I talked with her afterward about what it was like, and how her Parisien husband was enjoying living on a remote barely populated island in the Hebrides. I shared that I was feeling a similar pull toward Scotland in general.  She immediately engaged an eye-lock and encouraged me to start doing something – taking actual measurable steps toward this goal. I don’t know, I got the tingles. Message received.

So the Raasay “Hebridean” is a very very good whisky and I fell in love with the distillery and with Raasay itself. As I had enough space in my luggage to bring one bottle home, I decided this would be The Chosen One. I did a quick search on my phone – without my glasses – to make sure you couldn’t buy Raasay in Oregon. Well. When I got home I looked it up again and sure enough, found that you could acquire a bottle in two local liquor stores.  Not only that but one of the liquor stores carried bottles of the single cask versions from the pleated bordeaux and rye casks. Good god. Coals to Newcastle. In retrospect, it’s almost a certainty that I misspelled Raasay as I was standing in line at the distillery on my phone with no glasses. I mean, there are a lot of “a’s” in fairness.

The view from Raasay Distillery. Literally. I can’t even.

The ferry back to Skye.

My car and I alighted from the ferry and drove to Portree where I had booked a table at Dulse & Brose, a lovely restaurant of past acquaintance.  I was there a bit early and so wandered around Portree seeking a pub.  The thing about shoulder season is that places are sometimes closed for the winter – rude! I finally walked along Quay Street, where the lovely painted buildings are, and found a teensy weensy pub inside the Pier Hotel. (The baby blue building below).

I sat at the bar and had a dram, eavesdropping on a hilarious conversation between a couple of older Scottish men with a fisherman vibe and a small family group from, of all places, Texas. The Texans were trying to explain to the Scots why the phrase, “bless your heart,” (which the Scots had never before heard) could, and often did, actually have a negative connotation. It’s one of those southern idioms that sound polite but are really a highly judgmental put-down. The Scots literally could not understand why we’d take something that sounded like a blessing and turn it into a smug slam.  The other conversation I enjoyed was between the bartender and his girlfriend about how amazing Peaky Blinders was.  Speaking of which,

Tommy Fookin’ Shelby makes the blog.

And now I think it’s high time to wrap this installment of The Wee Dram. My last full day had finally arrived, so I bid a sad farewell to Viv and Steve and the cute pups they were dog-sitting.

I then had the dumb idea of stopping by the Old Man of Storr on a gorgeous sunny day at 10:30, thinking I could just bound up the trail of the last Skye honeypot I hadn’t yet done. It was a sh*tshow. Could not believe the huge parking lot packed to the gills with humanity. Nooooooo.  No thanks. KThxBai. Next time. I pulled off the road across from the bulging parking lot, grabbed a coffee and had a final wee look across to the mainland where I was headed – and said goodbye to Skye for the fourth time in my life. I also said see ya next year.

I drove through a bluebird day back to Inverness. It was honestly sort of weird seeing Scotland during a baldly sunny day. It didn’t look like itself.

My last night in Inverness I once again stayed with Eleanor and Mia, enjoying a lovely supper at the Mustard Seed. It was a gorgeous final night of my nearly month-long trip.

So, dear friend, thank you for reading this blog, for being patient with my many diversions down historical, geological, ecological, cultural, Gaelic pronunciation and whisky-related rabbit holes.  I’ll just end by saying that I’m headed back next May to Glencoe (have never missed), the Pentland Hills south of Edinburgh, and……(drum roll) Shetland. And next fall I’m returning with my pal Trish, mostly to visit Arran, Islay and Jura, since our last trip we were stymied by weather, and then back to Skye where I will probably feel drawn to the ferry to sail to the Outer Hebrides again, maybe this time to the Uists.

Because why would I go anywhere else.

Why Do You Keep Going to Scotland?

After an uncharacteristically rainy day in Central Oregon…the snow is back

I live in a really beautiful spot in Central Oregon that I love. I moved to Bend in 2001 attracted by the mountains, the high desert climate, the unending opportunity for outdoor recreation and the smell of juniper and sage. Also the number of spectacularly cool people who live here is way out of proportion to reality. Since then way too many people (still incredibly cool ones, luckily) have moved here and the tourist situation (sometimes not very cool people and for sure they CANNOT DRIVE) is untenable. Thanks to the brilliant and forward-thinking vision of (failed) anti-growth city planners back in the day we simply don’t have the infrastructure to adequately support the influx. Previously mellow parking lots next to trailheads are now stuffed to overflowing, it’s hard to get restaurant reservations, traffic gets backed up on our two-lane roads, especially up to the ski area in winter, basically all the things that come from being a popular destination. Also like much of the West we now have a “smoke season” which interferes with the aforementioned outdoor activities and is probably giving everyone cancer.

But before my oft-repeated rant gains too much momentum, my point in saying this is because Central Oregon is the opposite of Scotland. And yet I can’t wait for the wind, the driving rain, the mist, the mud, the bogs. These qualities of climate have historically not been a situation that I’m stoked about but for some reason it’s okay there. Maybe because it doesn’t feel humid or smell musty or make you feel like you’re drowning in soggy decay and you can almost always wear a sweater. Maybe it’s because sometimes you see a kilted 18th century Scotsman with a broadsword heading toward you out of the mist while unseen deer trumpet across the glen you are walking through (more on that later).

So people often ask me, “Why do you keep going back to Scotland?” And the answer is I can’t explain it other than to honestly wonder where else I would go. The follow-up question, usually in the same breath, is whether I am Scottish, as if that might explain my boring travel patterns. While I’d love to answer yes totally (or at least mostly) I am given to understand that this aggravates the crap out of actual Scots when people like me (born in Seattle) say this.

And that’s not it anyway. I mean, I’ve been places, I’ve seen stuff, much of it really beautiful and spiritually moving and over one ocean or another. And yet. Also yes I’m very English Scotch Irish and like everyone with that mix I’m probably descended from William the Conquerer. And obviously, yes, I’ve enthusiastically watched Outlander and visited some filming locations. Still not it.

Maybe one way I can describe it is this. A friend of mine recently told me about the first time she went to Scotland, I think with her parents. When she got out of the car at their Airbnb in the NW Highlands and walked out into the air and into the landscape, she was overcome with emotion and fell to her knees. And she doesn’t walk around falling to her knees over things. As for me, I get weepy – over the incredible landscapes, the whisky, the history, the first time I hear a Scottish accent when I’m traveling there, and when I watch people gathered in pubs laughing, talking and playing music. And I am not generally a weepy person. And so. My boring travel pattern will continue.

It’s a vibe I guess. And it’s vibing at my frequency. That’s it.

Fashion, Function and Fabulousness

 

IMG_0843

Have you seen those articles with suggested packing lists for international travel? One pair of black pants, one dress, three shirts, one coat, two pairs of shoes, five pairs of underwear and a scarf? Well, just no. Too vain and too fond of choices. And what if _____(fill in blank with unlikely scenario)______ happens and you need a ______(fill in blank with perfect outfit)______?  In Scotland the weather can do ten things in the space of a day.  I’m hiking in the Highlands and also exploring Edinburgh, a beautiful city with castles, world-class restaurants and ghosts.   Obviously, these situations cry out for totally different outfits.  Finally, those articles never account for the inevitability of bringing one or two dumb things that you end up uselessly hauling around a foreign country.

Not to mention the necessary airplane combat gear designed to 1) prevent people from interacting with you and 2) fool yourself into believing that flying isn’t abjectly miserable.  This includes, but is not limited to, noise-cancelling headphones, a large scarf/shawl, a media-loaded iPad, a memory-foam neck pillow, melatonin, snacks, a collapsible water bottle and (finally admitting age bracket) compression socks. And prayers that you won’t be seated next to a thigh-spreading, armrest-hogging, heavy drinking, shoe removing anxious flyer, although  this doesn’t take up any luggage space. Business class takes care of many of these things, but I’d rather spend the dough at my destination.  After all, when all is said and done everyone is trapped inside the same metal tube hurtling through the sky and breathing the same stale air no matter what their chair looks like, how many free cocktails they get, or whether they have their special exclusive bathroom that smells like gardenias. Okay, yes, as an Economy Plus person I’m super envious, and therefore judgmental, of Those Business Class people and their sleeping pods.

Just kidding, karma, don’t want to jinx astronomically low upgrade chances.

So my goal is one medium suitcase and one backpack. And here’s my tip:  those magical plastic bags that you put stuff in and then squish all the air out of, creating a flat pancake of clothes.  Packing cubes are organizationally helpful, yes, but air-squish bags are key, especially for dirty clothes, which take up way more space than they do when clean because physics.  They also give you extra space for unexpected purchases.  Like a plaid or a Shetland sweater, neither of which are my style at all. But on vacation there’s that thing where you get all swept away by the romantic perfection of a place and become filled with a desperate desire to bring the whole country home with you. So you buy clothes you’d never wear and probably shouldn’t even wear in their country of origin because you look like a tourist poser.

Remember, I look highly suspect in plaid and wool sweaters are itchy and claustrophobic.  Spend the money on the whisky.

Portland, Edinburgh and Time Travel

Hello from Edinburgh (pronounced Ed-in-bruh so stop saying it wrong). Started the journey in Portland, so here’s the obligatory shoes picture with the new carpeting. Not completely legit like back in the day, yet the tradition bravely carries on.

I could have boarded that first flight earlier today, or it may have been yesterday. Traveling pulls one out of the external stream of time. The traveler moves forward in his/her own little time-warped bubble completely unrelated to time as it’s experienced by everyone who isn’t flying. Flight attendants keep bringing meals, in the correct order, but on a compressed schedule. When traveling east, the sun seemingly comes up every ten minutes. Or perhaps it never completely goes down. Night is fleeting. Woah.

So let’s hear all the clueless traveler stories! Sadly, everyone was well behaved all the way from Portland to Edinburgh. I know, disappointing. Only JFK could be counted upon to be its usual cluster. The PDX pilot was so proud he had gotten us there early, but sadly, as the plane drove by all the gates, appearing to be taxiing out for another flight, he told us our gate was ready, but that there were two other planes in the “alley,” blocking our access. One plane had found its way out and he was expecting the other to follow suit. We waited long enough to obliterate his daring speed record and screw people with tight connections.

So I hired a car to ferry me from Edinburgh airport to my hotel, mostly because I’ve always wanted to see my name on one of those signs, but also jet lag. It was a brilliant call, although I got into the backseat directly behind the driver like a doofus. The steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car, you see. Everyone knows that. Say, does anyone know why we decided to drive on the right side of the road instead of the left, like a proper British colony?

My hotel, the Inn On The Mile, is halfway up the Royal Mile. It’s basically some modern, well-appointed rooms above a restaurant with live music every night until 1:00 a.m. so stay tuned. I dropped off my bag and set out to hike up Arthur’s Seat, a steep hill overlooking town. It’s part of Holyrood Park. Holyrood is the Queen’s official Edinburgh residence and it’s where Mary Queen of Scot’s private secretary/maybe lover David Rizzio was murdered in front of her in 1566. A brutal history but such a lovely hike, although rather too many people on the main trail. I did see a bunch of locals walking their dogs, and there was also a group of people dressed like Vikings having a picnic. I regret not asking for a photo, although it did seem that they were off-duty.

One overwhelming observation that penetrated my foggy brain – I had forgotten how unfailingly polite British people are. They form a line within a bus shelter which sometimes completely blocks the sidewalk but the important thing is the sanctity of the queue. They ask if it’s okay if you pay for something that you buy. “Do you mind?”

I’m writing this in the restaurant in my hotel. I had two wee drams of whisky (never call whisky Scotch in Scotland but remember to take the “e” out unless you’re in Ireland), even though the massage therapist said that massage was all about eliminating toxins and so the last thing I should do is put more back in. (PS getting a massage after a long plane ride is brilliant except for the lecture.) Whisky is medicinal, though, and also in Scotland you can buy those tiny airline bottles of single malt scotch, they even come in adorable tiny boxes just like the grown-up bottles, which isn’t related to the first thing but I don’t care.

Definitely a wee bit of jet-lag going on. I did the melatonin thing. I remember very little of the flight from JFK to Edinburgh so I’m assuming sleep. I’m probably totally fine. I also squeezed Benadryl cream onto my toothbrush.

My initial impression is that Edinburgh is a beautiful, historic city of about 500K souls, very few of whom hang out around the Royal Mile. Lots of accents, few of them Scottish. I did have a fabulous Scottish gentlemen in the immigration line. Clearly I looked suspicious because before he stamped my passport he asked me a lot of questions. My favorite: “Why are you visiting Scotland? Outlander?” NO of course not. Silly Outlander fans, going on tours to look at films sites and such. I would never.

Outlander and Whisky

I’m about 80% English/Scotch/Irish. If I were a paint color, I’d be Bland White. Long before I knew exactly how white (thank you Ancestry.com), I’ve been interested in British history. Used to be able to recite all the Kings and Queens of England. So Scotland was firmly on my travel list, but I admit it was the cinematography in Outlander, shot in Scotland, that put me over the edge. And maybe the kilts.

So what better way to spend my first full day in Scotland than booking an Outlander Tour like a geeky tourist? The tour included historic castles, forts and villages used as film locations for Outlander, Monty Python & the Holy Grail, and Game of Thrones. And then, as a topper, finishing the day with a whisky tasting at a bar named Edinburgh’s 2018 Whisky Bar of the Year.

I booked the journey through Rabbie’s, a company specializing in smaller tours using wee buses. I expected to be joined by a bunch of middle-aged women who talked about Jamie Fraser (a.k.a.the main character in the show who is widely believed to be the perfect man) the entire time. Instead, several couples, including one on their honeymoon, and one big family, the McGowans, all piled into the bus together. They were from Florida, Philly, South Carolina, France, England and Australia. I sat behind the guide and was joined by the head of the McGowan clan. The McGowan himself. Who was very quiet (his wife made up for it from the back of the bus) and went to great pains to avoid any physical contact, which I appreciated.

Of course, I instantly fell in love with our Scottish tour guide, Nicky. He just happened to be tall with reddish hair, very articulate, thoughtful and hilarious. Wearing a kilt that wasn’t a costume.

The first place we visited was Three Bridges, a town with, you guessed it, including a bridge that was built in the 17th Century. A marvel of engineering. The place has no connection with Outlander, just a cool spot.

Jamie Nicky took my photo in front of the old bridge.

Then we journeyed to the most “all the feels” of Outlander settings, Lallybroch, the Fraser ancestral home. Otherwise known as Midhope Castle, still standing but entirely in ruins on the inside. The steps up to the door were built by the film crew. A beautiful and evocative place marooned out of time on a working farm. Surprisingly, there is a picturesque cottage right next to the Midhope ruins. Not next door, but right there on the edge of the lawn. Architectural Digest – Medieval beautiful. The owners were the luckiest people alive to own this gorgeous cottage in such a setting. Ach, no more, thanks to the fickle finger of fate. Their idyllic spot has been besmirched by Outlander and the tourists who followed in its wake.

Speaking of tourists, it soon became apparent that there were different sorts of Outlander tours. As we were leaving “Lallybroch,” another, larger group came down the path toward us, led by a guy in an over-the-top Highlander costume. He held a plastic shield and brandished a fake broadsword. He was a scenery-chewing Pirates of the Caribbean Johnny Depp version of an 18th century Jacobite. Johnny Depp Jamie had obviously dispensed plastic weaponry to everyone on his tour for them to, I guess, ineffectually arm themselves as they visited ruins. Two adorable little old ladies walked side by side, one brandishing two plastic axes, the other holding two pistols. I would have died had I booked this tour. Johnny Depp Jamie immediately challenged Jamie Nicky with his sword. Jamie Nicky, sensing danger, extended an arm in front of me to protect my life and virtue. I grabbed his arm with both hands and crouched down, because I’m not about to be left behind in a sudden acting opportunity. His arm was strong and thick and suddenly I had a new appreciation for the antics of Johnny Depp Jamie.

Our next stop was Blackness castle, a 15th century fort built on the south shore of the Firth of Forth. It protected Linlithgow, one of the main palaces of Scottish Royalty, especially the Stuarts. Because of its site, jutting into the Forth, and its long narrow shape, it has been dubbed the “ship that never sailed.” It was used to portray Ft. William in the series, including the scenes of Jamie being flogged nearly to death by Jack Randall (I know people who haven’t seen the show are wondering why on earth), and later the daring rescue of Claire by Jamie, Murtagh, Angus and Rupert with Jamie scaling the tower clutching an empty pistol. Speaking of which, I came upon Johnny Depp Jamie again just as he was reenacting the scene of Jamie clubbing a redcoat over the head after asking where Claire was being held. JDJ brushed people out of the way so he could rush up some steps in search of Claire.

All swashbuckling aside, Blackness Castle is a gorgeous structure in a beautiful setting with a nicely preserved Great Hall.

Next stop was the 100% charming town of Culross, where the scenes in Cranesmuir, the village near Castle Leoch, were filmed, including Geilis Duncan’s house, Claire’s herb garden, and the scene where the wee boy got his ear nailed to the pillory for stealing. The town has barely changed since the 17th century and is managed by the National Trust. I had the second best sandwich I’ve ever had there, in a charming little place called the Biscuit Cafe. I mistakenly took a table next to the loo. We all know this, but people truly have issues about bathrooms. One lady in her sixties ducked in and her friend had to stand in front of the door like in high school, holding it slightly ajar, explaining to the gentleman who was next in line, “She’s afraid of getting shut in.” Aren’t we all.

Next was the granddaddy of all film locations – Doune Castle, a medieval stronghold in the Stirling district of central Scotland. The most famous taunting scene in cinema was filmed here.

Starring our beloved John Cleese as the pitch-perfect French taunter, with many memorable lines, including that old chestnut, “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!” Apparently the Pythons had booked several castles in Scotland for filming until someone wondered who they were and whether they could even pay, withdrawing permission from all except Doune. So basically the entire film was shot here.

Also the most famous scene ever filmed depicting a guy shoving a boy out of a window because the boy caught him having sex with his sister. I know this scene is basically in every film, but this is truly the best version. Unfortunately, in Game of Thrones, the boy did not die and instead became the Three-Eyed Raven, which, we don’t know, but may result in the ultimate downfall of said guy in the long slow dance of karma.

In season 1 of Game of Thrones, Doune Castle was Winterfell. In season 2 they moved production to Ireland because it was cheaper.

Doune bounced right back, and became the home of the McKenzie clan in Outlander, Castle Leoch. It’s now the third most visited castle in Scotland, after Edinburgh Castle and Stirling Castle. The audio tour is narrated by Python’s Terry Jones, and by, of course, Sam Heughan, who plays Jamie. Inside the house is a fabulous Great Hall and a wonderfully preserved kitchen, including a giant fireplace large enough to roast an oxen. Many silly Python scenes were filmed inside, including the song-and-dance number “Knights of the Round Table,”and the Sir Galahad the Chaste’s seduction scene. I completely recognized them all.

The last stop on our tour was Linlithgow Palace, where Mary Queen of Scots was born and lived for seven months, after which she was whisked away to Stirling, a more secure location. She was in danger the moment she was born, and for most of her life. It was another 20 years before she returned. A lot of Stuart history here. There’s a beautiful and drafty portico on the roof where legend has it Queen Margaret waited in vain for the return of James IV from Flodden Field. Bonnie Prince Charlie was the last Stuart to stay at Linlithgow. In 1746 the castle burned because the British duke of Cumberland’s troops failed to properly extinguish their campfires.

Gorgeous spot (Scots had great taste in castle sites), with a statue of Mary Queen of Scots on the grounds. In the UK you are allowed to scramble all over ruins, climbing up tiny staircases with flimsy railings that wouldn’t be allowed in the US. No posted warning signs, nothing roped off, I guess because you’re supposed to use common sense. The higher you go, the more pigeon poo there is, since all is exposed to the skies. Many ruined castles around Scotland don’t have roofs, not even if they’ve undergone restoration. Why? Because buildings with roofs are taxed.

In Outlander, the tunnels and cells underground were used for Wentworth Prison, where extremely terrifying things happened to Jamie.

It was a fabulous tour, largely because of the fabulous Nicky. He told us the entire history of the Jacobite rebellions. There were five between 1688 and 1745, all with the goal of returning one of the Jameses to the throne of Scotland and England and all failures, finally resulting in the Highland clearances. Nicky told the story with passion and emotion. History is still very much alive for Scots. As Robert Louis Stevenson wrote, “For that is the mark of the Scots of all classes: that he stands in an attitude towards the past unthinkable to Englishmen, and remembers and cherishes the memory of his forebears, good and bad; and there burns alive in him a sense of identity with the dead even to the twentieth generation.” Nicky also reflected on the current political situation in the UK and elsewhere (ahem), resolving to focus his efforts on things he could positively impact, like, for example, people’s lives. He also taught me a new word, “scuppered,” which originally meant to deliberately sink a ship, and has come to mean thwart. So many uses. Anyway, I adored him.

How to end such a day? By booking a very expensive whisky tasting at Usquabae, meaning water of life (Gaelic translation of Medieval Latin aqua vitae.) Sitting at the bar, I was regaled with tales of whisky and its historic impact on the Scottish economy and history. A couple of local boys chimed in, asking questions and giving their own opinions. It’s a very complex subject near and dear to the heart of Scots. I chose a tasting called “The Decades.” It included a whisky from the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s, which covers my entire life. The older whiskies were good, but as the bartender noted (he had tastes of all my drams to keep me company), they do get a bit “vegetal.”

One last observation about Scottish men. They look you right in the eye, steadily, when you’re talking to them. They don’t hang back, either, they are snuggled right into your personal American space. I love it.

The Nastiness Act, A Lock of Hair That Used to Be Attached to Mary, Haggis and Rob Brydon

Aye, it does rain in Scotland. Usually, I’m told, a wee bit of ongoing mist, but sometimes a freaking downpour. And yet I booked a private tour of the Royal Mile and Edinburgh Castle, and the show must go on. The Mile is very touristy, but, like many such places, with a little effort and intrepidity you can have your own singular experience in spite of it.

My guide, Gains, has a PhD in History, and he brought whisky. As we meandered up the mile, he had many colorful tales to tell. Best of all, he poured wee drams at 10:30 in the morning as we stood in front of The Writers Museum, devoted to the Scottish trifecta of 18th and 19th century writers, Robert Burns, Sir Walter Scott and Robert Louis Stevenson. Over my drams he told me about Burns Night every January 25, when Scotland celebrates their Rabbie’s birthday with a bit of frivolity and drink. It was a very Scottish moment.

As romantic as the Mile is now, it used to be utterly disgusting. Its streets floated with raw sewage and it was massively overcrowded with people in tenement-style buildings up to 14 stories tall. More than 50,000 Scots were crammed within its walls and livestock roamed freely. There was no plumbing (ignoring Roman tech) and so once a day residents would dump buckets of waste into the streets from upper windows. There was a bit of a warning first: “Gardyloo!” This was from the French gardez l’eau, but all credit to the Scots, not really l’eau at that point, loo being much more accurate. Residents used to be able to dump at any hour of the day, but in 1749 The Nastiness Act was passed which decreed waste could only be tossed out between 10:00 pm and 7:00 am.

As you can imagine, the city’s water supply was diseased. So the primary sources of hydration became alcohol (even for children, even first thing in the morning) and tea (because boiled).

Edinburgh’s upper classes lived on the center floors, too low down and the stench was overwhelming, too high up and there was a danger of collapse, as the top floors were wooden and poorly constructed. In the mid 18th century, the upper classes left “Old Town,” moved down the hill and established “New Town,” which is filled with Neo-Classical and Georgian architecture. To this day New Town is considered more posh, although both are UNESCO World Heritage sites.

So many interesting stops on our tour – for example, down one close (Scottish term for alleyway) is the only surviving sedan chair storage unit in the UK. Now it’s used as a bike shed, which is frankly what it looks like. Highlanders would be brought from the north to carry members of the upper classes around town suspended in these chairs so their feet wouldn’t touch the poopy ground. Also the streets were too narrow for carriages. They were King Joffrey’s preferred mode of travel in Game of Thrones.

Gains also pointed out statues of Scottish philosophers Adam Smith and David Hume, and government offices, including the old Parliament building, now housing the Courts of Session. A stone in the parking lot marks the approximate grave site of John Knox, the 16th century founder of the Presbyterian Church of Scotland and a leader of Scotland’s reformation. First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon hates him, and when she comes to town she directs her driver to park on top of the marker.

Next we stopped by a pub called Deacon Brodie’s. Brodie was a proper Scottish scoundrel in the 1700’s. A city counselor and cabinet-maker by day, he broke into homes at night to fund his gambling habit. He was eventually hanged at the Old Tollbooth just down the street from the pub that bears his name and is marked by a sign that honors his double life.

The Old Tollbooth, by the way, according to Gains, was the worst prison of all time, even more so than the Bastille. First established in the 14th century, it stood for 400 years. Sir Walter Scott wrote a book about it, called the Heart of Midlothian, often regarded as his finest novel. The Tollbooth was torn down in 1818. A Heart of Midlothian was installed in the sidewalk just at the spot, as a reminder. Gains said folks who have no idea of its history often drop to a knee and propose there.

Of course, Edinburgh being the home of JK Rowling, Gains pointed out the colorful Victoria Street, which inspired Diagon Alley, Elephant House Cafe, where she wrote the first couple of books, and Greyfriar’s Kirkyard, where she found a few of her character’s names engraved on the ancient gravestones. (Wee aside: Greyfriars Bobby, just outside the Kirk, is a lovely little statue commemorating the terrier who became known in 19th century Edinburgh for spending 14 years guarding the grave of his owner until he died himself on 14 January 1872.) By the time Rowling was writing The Deathly Hallows, her publisher paid for her to stay in a suite in the swanky Balmoral Hotel. The manuscript was locked up every night. You, too, can stay in this very suite for $1300 a night. Ach, how her fortunes have turned thanks to wee Harry.

As we made our way up the hill to Edinburgh Castle, it began pouring rain. Buckets. Gains soldiered on, telling me things I should see in the Castle. He wasn’t allowed to be in certain areas and asked me to warn him and move away if I saw a red laser dot on his forehead.

Edinburgh Castle is still an active British fort, so the British flag flies overhead rather than the Scottish. It’s a wicked fortress to conquer, being perched on a mammoth 750 million year old volcanic plug, although it’s been subject to numerous attacks and sieges throughout history. Robert the Bruce famously burned it down in the 1300’s. Speaking of which, stay tuned for the upcoming Chris Pine movie. Gains’s take (with a rueful shake of the head), “Wasn’t he Captain Kirk or something? Aye, come see Captain Kirk play Robert the Bruce! Ach.” I could go on about the storied history of Edinburgh Castle, but suffice it to say, it’s been a happening place in Scotland for centuries.

I bid farewell to Gains and explored several of the buildings inside the grounds of the fortress, including a memorial for all Scots killed in warfare since World War I. There’s also a dog cemetery where regimental mascots and officer’s dogs have been buried since Queen Victoria’s time, which is completely awesome.

Most famously, the Scottish Crown Jewels are on display, the oldest surviving set of Crown Jewels in the UK. Oliver Cromwell destroyed the British ones and that allowed Scotland to scoot into the lead. Displayed next to the coronation crown worn by Mary Queen of Scots (!!) is the storied Stone of Destiny, also known as the Stone of Scone. It’s a rather unremarkable oblong block of sandstone that has been used for centuries in the coronations of Scottish monarchs. The Brits, in keeping with their history of being awful to the Scots, swiped it in the 1400’s to use for their own coronations. A bunch of Scottish hooligans pulled a modern Highland Charge and stole the stone from Westminister Abbey in the 1950’s, bringing it home to Scotland. It was eventually returned. Finally, in 1996, the British allowed the Scots to have their stone back for good. One day, when Queen Elizabeth dies, the Brits will borrow it for the coronation of the very patient Charles. Or, if Charles can’t hold on, Prince William.

There’s a legend that centuries ago Scots switched out the real Stone of Scone for a fake before the British nicked it. If that’s true, the original hasn’t resurfaced. Or has it.

There are no photos of the Crown Jewels or the stone because royal rules.

When I could stand the big gobs of tourists at the castle no longer, I made my way back down the Mile, stopping for lunch at the World’s End pub, so-called because it was on the edge of town just inside the wall, back when there was one. Fish and chips is their speciality, so I ordered it, and holy crap it was not at all wee. I also tried the Scottish soda called Irn Bru, which Gains told me outsells Coke products in Scotland. It is not very good – a bit like cream soda but not quite there. Perhaps the non-diet version would be better – I read that Scots were up in arms when Obama was spotted drinking a diet Irn Bru in St Andrews.

Five Scots sat around what was likely their usual table in the window, telling tales and discussing the vicissitudes of life in a way that American men never do. I could have listened to them forever, but instead snuck a photo.

I next visited Holyrood Palace, the official royal residence in Edinburgh. The Queen stays here one week every summer on her way to Balmoral in the Highlands. The decor is as stodgy and dingy as you might imagine with fading rugs, fraying tapestries and dark paintings in dire need of restoration depicting bare-breasted women in some sort of biblical peril. The tour takes you through the Queen’s actual bedroom, which felt weirdly voyeuristic. The room is uncomfortably and sparsely furnished with thin-looking embroidered bed linens that look like they’ve been around for centuries. This is her “state bedroom” so hopefully she doesn’t sleep here. Maybe her actual bed has a memory foam mattress with puffy linens, a down comforter and soft pillows from Pottery Barn.

The main reason I visited the Palace was to see the royal apartments of Mary Queen of Scots. You could see the influence of Mary’s French upbringing in the decor and general good taste of the rooms. Seeing her bed was also weird, but for a different reason. It’s so small. I wonder how she managed it with her six foot frame. Off her bedroom is a cozy, charming room with a teensy fireplace that served as her supper chamber, which I didn’t realize I needed until now. And, famously, where her private secretary and maybe Italian lover David Rizzio was brutally murdered by a jealous Henry Lord Darnley, Mary’s second husband, and his Protestant Lord cronies. And when I say murdered I mean stabbed 56 times right in front of her. And she was pregnant with James VI at the time, who some say was fathered by Rizzio. Apparently you can still see bloodstains on the floor which is entirely silly, but still I did look.

Mary’s bedroom opens into a formal great room where she received visitors. A few relics are displayed in glass cases, some books, her rosary, a letter she wrote and so on, but most notably a substantial lock of her hair which at some point was presented as a gift to Queen Victoria. I could not wrap my brain around the fact that I was looking at some of her actual hair. I then wandered around the gardens even though my ticket didn’t cover that (sorry), and it was stunning. Next to the palace is a ruined Abbey (destroyed by the Brits during Mary’s reign) which made for some lovely photos. Arthur’s Seat, the hill I climbed when I first arrived, looms over the Palace, providing a splendid royal view.

There are no photos inside the palace because more royal rules.

I returned to the hotel, hung up my clothes to dry and went out to dinner and a show. Rob Brydon was performing at the Edinburgh Festival Theatre. When you are a single, you can usually snag a fabulous ticket late in the game in the front section. The Trip is one of my favorite films, and it stars Brydon and Steve Coogan. Two awkward British men traveling through northern England eating at gourmet restaurants. Their main schtick was doing competing Michael Caine impressions, which sounds tedious, but is hilarious.

I had dinner at the Printing Press, a posh restaurant in New Town. And there it was, on the menu, as a starter. Haggis and neeps. I figured this was my chance to cross the culinary Scottish Rubicon. An appy-sized, gourmet restaurant version of the famously awful dish. Here’s the deal, though – it was fabulous. I chased it with one of the best risottos and best chocolate desserts I’ve ever had. So serious. My server was a Canadian who had finished college and decided to move to Scotland, as it’s relatively easy to get a work visa in another Commonwealth Country. I was proud of her choice and wish I had done something similar. She loves Edinburgh.

Rob Brydon was way more hilarious than I was expecting. The top of his act was him talking to members of the audience about various things and he’s brilliant at it. His act includes loads of impressions (some were singularly British, sailing right over my head) with many astutely hilarious observations about aging and what it does to your pee stream strength and farting frequency. I was laughing to tears as were most people in the 2,000 seat house. Great fun for my last night in the big city before heading to the Highlands.

Inverness, Jacobites and Culloden

Bidding farewell to Edinburgh, it was time to catch a train to Inverness, known as the gateway to the Highlands.

Arrived around supper-time and checked into the Castle View Hotel, run by the lovely Eleanor and her Jack Russell, Mia. The hotel is on the River Ness and pretty much everywhere was walkable. My room was on the top floor, with no lift. (PS same deal at the Inn on the Mile, just not a thing here).

The hotel boasted a lovely view of Inverness Castle, which houses the local courthouse and other offices. There are plans to build a new facility for the Courts so the castle can be opened to visitors. Fabulous rooftop views from my room, and gazing over the River Ness at the castle while enjoying a full and fabulous breakfast was perfection.

My first morning I walked about eight miles of the famed Great Glen Way, a lovely stroll along the River Ness to the park-like Ness Islands and then up the Caledonian Canal. The Way is a walking path that runs 78 miles, bisecting Scotland from Inverness to Ft. William. People in Scotland walk. And walk and walk. Trails go on for miles, and are so scenic you could die.

All the walking gives one time to ponder many things. For example, you know all the rules we have in the States, to protect us from one another’s presumed and inevitable bad behavior? In Europe, there are fewer rules, and amazingly, unregulated people actually rise to the occasion given the chance. For example, only a few dogs were on leash during my walk. Rather than being a catastrophe with dogs running wild and eating babies, every dog was on voice command. Dogs didn’t interact with other humans or with one another because they were looking at their owners. When they did have a bit of a run, the instant their owners whistled, they hit the brakes and ran back. Maybe Americans are boorish uncivilized barbarians and can’t be trusted to behave properly. We will never know.

I then walked around Inverness, which unfortunately is pretty closed on Sunday because of God. This is too bad, mostly because there’s an amazing bookstore called Leakeys, located in a former church with floor to ceiling bookshelves and a wood stove. Next time. Visited the Old High Church, where Jacobites who survived the slaughter of Culloden were held before being executed in the churchyard. Because of God.

Next day I met George, a local guide, for a tour around the area. He arrived with coffee and croissants, so I liked him immediately. As we were emailing back and forth about logistics prior to my trip, I expressed a bit of ambivalence about visiting Loch Ness and Urquhart Castle because of all the tourists. George convinced me that it would be a shame if we didn’t at least do a drive-by before it opened. Even so, there were still a few tour buses, filled with loads of people who appeared to be checking sites off their lists, snapping photos and moving on, rather than really engaging, not that I’m being judgmental. The castle has 1,000 years of history under its belt. It’s the largest medieval castle in Scotland and the most important in the Highlands. Sadly, its owners blew it up in 1692 to keep the Jacobites from taking it. There’s a very cool old catapult on the grounds. Loch Ness is beautiful but so are many of the other 31,000-plus lochs in Scotland. No I’m serious. Scotland is a very watery land.

Like many visitors to Scotland, I was hoping to run across some Heilan coos, a.k.a Highland cattle. And they do not disappoint. Scotland’s animal population is full of extra-adorable creatures who seem to have been sprinkled with faerie dust. The hairy Coos originated in the Highlands and Outer Hebrides and were first mentioned in the 6th century AD. They are primarily bred for their meat, which is very lean, as they are largely insulated by their shaggy hair rather than by subcutaneous fat. Scotland does not appear to have industrialized its meat supply, so the coos have a pretty nice life until the end, grazing on the plentiful green grass and rounded bales of hay. Also posing for pictures.

Continuing my morning whisky tradition, we drove to Tomatin Distillery for a 10:00 a.m. tour and tasting. It was fascinating learning more about the making of Scotland’s national drink. Very complicated, time-consuming, lengthy and totally worth it. By law, Scottish whiskey must be made from water from Scotland and aged in oak barrels for at least three years. Of course, most whisky is aged much longer. There are lots of superstitions, for example, when the copper pot stills need to be replaced, if the old one is dented, the replacement must have a dent in exactly the same spot.

Tomatin has an old mash tun that you can climb inside. I was touring with a fellow from Germany who was very stoic about life and had no interest in getting his picture taken squatting inside a large tub. So what the heck is it? Ground down malted barley is fed into the mash tun with heated water. The temperature is high enough to dissolve many of the sugars in the grist but low enough to allow the enzymes to continue doing their thing. The liquid is collected and taken away to become whisky. The solid left over residue is given to local farmers for feed.

Since we did a fair bit of driving on this tour, a word about road signs. Of course, they are better than ours. They are gentler with more humor. Some examples: Instead of “travel time,” it’s “journey time.” Instead of detour, it’s diversion, which sounds way less annoying. Instead of “yield,” it’s “give way.” Instead of passing lane, it’s overtaking lane. We drove over several “weak bridges,” which means simply that it’s a one-way bridge. So drivers have to give way. But my favorite is this one.

Our next stop was the Highland Folk Museum, Britain’s first open air museum. The museum gives a flavor of how Highland people lived and worked from the 1700’s through the 1950’s. Over 30 historical buildings are on the property, all furnished with items appropriate to their time period. Some have been built from scratch and some have been moved from other sites. It was fascinating looking inside these dwellings from throughout Scottish history, but my favorite was seeing an actual peat fire. It smells lovely, and it generates heat like you wouldn’t believe.

Also, there were Shetland ponies.

We next drove by Coffin Bridge, the oldest surviving packhorse bridge in the Highlands. It was built in 1717. Before the 18th century it was impossible to carry the deceased from the town of Carrbridge to the local cemetery when the river was high. So this bridge was constructed by one of the earliest Scottish members of Parliament, Alexander Grant of Grant.

George and I enjoyed a yummy lunch in a semi-fancy pub and now for another observation about rules and dogs. In Scotland, people can bring their dogs into restaurants. Not just little dogs. During lunch we were surrounded by a yellow lab, a sheep dog and a standard schnauzer. All perfectly well-behaved. Amazingly, I did not feel my health was in danger.

Next we were off to Cawdor Castle, currently owned by the Dowager Countess Cawdor, a woman in her 70’s who retires to another home on her estate during the summer months so she can charge tourists ten pounds each to enter. It’s fun to see a castle that is not in ruins and has never been attacked by Jacobites or redcoats, just a beautiful lived-in place with amazing gardens. Its other claim to fame is that Shakespeare refers to Macbeth as being the Thane of Cawdor in the Scottish play. However, the castle was built many years after the life of 11th century King Macbeth, so never mind. George told me he’s heard staff complain about the Dowager Countess and how difficult she is to work for, but I’m inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt because she installed a “be mindful” sign over the entryway.

Finally, we headed to Culloden Moor to visit the memorial to those who perished in the devastating battle that raged there. The Jacobite army was devastated, and their defeat marked the beginning of the end of Highland culture in the 1700’s. The Jacobite Forces (supporters of installing Charles Edward Stuart, aka Bonnie Prince Charlie, to the thrones of Scotland and England) were handily defeated by the Hanoverian English in under an hour. This was the last of five Jacobite rebellions that occurred in 17th and 18th century Scotland. It was a bloody battle. The Scots lost between 1,500 and 2,000 men and the English only lost 50. This after the Bonnie Prince’s forces had swept through Scotland and almost made it to London. At this point, though, a decision was made to retreat back to Inverness, even though Charles II had his bags packed and was ready to head into exile. One of those many moments in history easy to second-guess.

Over the years after the battle the Brits decided to deal with the Highlanders once and for all. The infamous Highland clearances were implemented, where Scottish crofters were cleared from their lands to make room for more lucrative sheep farming. Laws were passed preventing all Scots from owning weapons, wearing the plaid of their clans, speaking Gaelic, effectively wiping out the Highland culture. Many, many of them emigrated to the United States. It was essentially ethnic cleansing – George told me that there were discussions in Parliament about requiring the mandatory sterilization of Highland women.

It is a somber place. Victorians installed a memorial, along with stones representing all the clans which were set about over the spot of mass graves. Thanks to the massive appeal of Outlander, the earth around the Fraser clan’s marker is denuded of grass, with little stones and flowers strewn over it. You’ll see my own disrespectful and inappropriate photograph below. The battlefield is very simple – a line of blue flags marking the spot where the Scots lined up, and a line of red flags marking the position of the British. It’s worth noting that the Bonnie Prince and the Duke of Cumberland, the commander of the British forces, were both just 25 years old. These days they would still be in college or back living with their parents while they found themselves. Hard to imagine.

We ended the day at the 4,000 year old Clava Cairns just down the road. A clava cairn is a type of Bronze Age circular chamber made of stones. They are typically surrounded by standing stones, and their history is very murky. This area was the inspiration for Diana Galbadon’s books. So again, me with the dumb Outlander photo. (PS the stones don’t work at all). George said that local witches, wiccans and druids still gather here for dances and mystical ceremonies. A couple of local Scottish women talked to us for a while, and they were dead serious about the magic of the place. The veil between Druid magic and faeries of old and the 21st century is very thin in Scotland.

George dropped me at my hotel after 7:00 and I had a quick dinner and stopped in a local pub for literally 5 minutes to check out the nightly traditional Scottish folk music. It was pouring down rain and honestly George had slightly exhausted me with all the facts and history, as much as I loved it.

Next day, I was onto my Backroads hiking tour of the Highlands!

Backroads Day 2 – In Which We Hike Into Storm Ali

Day Two dawned cloudy, windy and rainy. Today’s hike had three options, and one of them was nixed by our fearless leaders as being too dangerous because of the weather. It included some ledge hiking and the winds were too strong. Disappointed, but also, woah.

The trail winds through a long valley (or glen if we are being Scottish) between Beinn Eighe and Liathach. We were told there was a spot about 2.5 miles in from which you could turn around and call it a day, or you could do a through hike. Through hikes are the best, especially when someone else is coordinating the transportation, so I was inclined in that direction.

The route description said, “you may encounter a bit of mud or wet patches as you meander down through the glens.” There was also a mention of stopping for lunch. Jenny and Eileen told us that there would be an exciting opportunity to ford a river with some potentially high water due to all the recent rains. An interesting end to the Backroads Scotland season, as the U.K. summer had been marked by a heatwave and dry weather so unusual that it made the news in the states. Guests on those trips complained that it didn’t “seem like Scotland.”

On the short drive to the trailhead we mulled over the two options and searched the sky for any sign of a break. At least the mist wasn’t obscuring the hills – we might get wet, but there would be views. As we pulled into the parking lot, Keith ho-ho’d, saying in his jolly tone, “I’ve never seen this parking lot so empty before! Awesome!” As we were cinching up our rain gear in the deserted parking lot, Jenny and Eileen opened a big bag of hiking sticks. Some eyebrows were raised and doubt was expressed about whether we really needed them, being the badasses that we were. Our leaders regarded us patiently and gently recommended the sticks, mentioning again the fording of the high waters and the muddy slipperiness of the hike. We each took one.

The trail started off uphill in the pouring rain. And was gorgeous. And empty. Spirits were high.

We soldiered upward, finally arriving at the river. The stepping stones were exposed and not under water, which was by no means a sure thing. Suddenly, everyone got the whole stick thing. Apparently, Jenny and Eileen know what they are talking about.

We hiked a little further, reaching the 2.5 mile mark at a stone cairn, which was the moment of no return. Jenny, Eileen and Keith convened a trail meeting over some wee drams of whisky. It’s hard to understate how miserable the weather was. There was a definitely a heightened sense of camaraderie, souls bound together by adversity, etcetera. Here’s the deal though. Had anyone turned around they would have been faced with piercing, stinging sidewise rain and face-buffing gale force winds. It’s one thing having that at your back. It’s quite another having it in your face. Onward seemed the much saner option, and, hey, it was only 5 more miles. Keith, who would have accompanied any who wished to bail had to make the journey back to the vans alone. Next time we saw him he looked 20 years younger from his Scottish facial.

Here we are agreeing to go forward, sealing our resolve with a team cheer.

The rest of the hike was by turns raining, not raining, cloudy, misty, sun breaks, windy, not windy. All the weathers. And when I say windy, I mean we needed to stop and brace. I was up front following Jenny, and at one point I looked up and she was six feet off the trail. The wind had blown her toward a steep gully but thanks to her ninja reflexes, she was able to jump sideways onto a bank. She had a big grin on her face.

We hiked along in a spread-out train, with people speeding up and hiking with one another and then slowing down to take a picture and walking alone for a while. I took lots of photos, actually, testing the water-resistance of my iPhone. I managed to get one extra amazing one during a moment when the sun broke through and illuminated a ridge. The weather changed very quickly, so by the time you took your pole strap off your hand, took off your glove, dropped it in a puddle, picked it up again and stuck it in your teeth, unzipped the pocket of your rain pants, took out your phone, turned it on, allowed it to scan your face and open, things would have likely changed completely. There was a lot of fate involved.

One of my favorite moments was listening to Irwin and Bob talk about Star Trek, and by that I mean the original series. I started to participate but then realized that these guys could name episodes and quote a lot of dialogue. Bowing to the masters, I listened appreciatively to their pro-level geekiness until the trail spread us apart again.

Throughout most of the hike, even in those conditions, I either had a smile on my face or was smiling internally to avoid a weather-related dental procedure. I never felt whiny or scared or worried or that it sucked. You simply could not believe that you were outside in this weather at all, much less the middle of nowhere, and the whole concept was fabulous. And with every step you marveled at the wild, remote Highlands beauty. It was exhilarating and emotional and hilarious. Even though there was no “stopping for lunch.” We came across only two other walkers on the entire hike, one of whom had one leg. I mean. It’s really hard to complain.

Thinking about it now, I wondered if I should have been having some deep thoughts about the meaning of life as I traversed the glen in the storm with my stick. Actually, my mind was completely blank. It wasn’t churning over anything, or narrating my experience. I was just walking. Taking it all in. Being in the moment, as they say. It was marvelous and quiet and wild. I felt happy and at peace.

Finally, as we hiked down toward the vans, along a river, a waterfall and surrounded by reddish-brown ferns, the sun came out for real. As we had spread out quit a bit over the hours of walking, Jenny and Keith took me and Bob (those Canadians are not only super nice, but also highly intrepid) back to the hotel for tea and a hot shower.

Back in my room, I managed to get enough internet to briefly check the news. As it turns out, the storm we had just hiked 8 miles through had been given a name by the British government, which meant that it was “deemed to have a substantial impact” on the UK. Storm Ali packed a punch. Winds of 100 mph had been clocked somewhere in the Highlands. Train service had been halted completely from both Edinburgh and Glasgow. Roads were closed due to downed trees. Edinburgh Castle was closed. Ferry service was disrupted. 70,000 people were without power.

And twelve of us were out hiking in the Highlands. And I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.

Backroads Days 5 and 6: Cows, Beaches, Ferries and Harry

On this last full day of our hiking trip through the Highlands, cows were the stars.   Cows, seriously?  Ah, but they are free-roaming Scottish faerie cows.

Our final hike, while just as beautiful as the ones before, was bittersweet.  You realize how much you will miss your daily routine of getting up early, greeting your fellow guests with whom you have totally bonded, having breakfast, pulling on unflattering rain pants, going for a drop-dead gorgeous hike with weather that changes every five seconds, heading to a beautiful hotel, engaging in some sort of educational, cultural or whisky-related activity, enjoying a gourmet dinner over interesting conversation, and then retiring to a comfy bed in a beautiful room.   It bears mentioning that for days you have exactly zero responsibilities because everything is all dialed for you. It’s a very civilized schedule, with just a touch of adventure, to which you quickly grow accustomed, like okay, this is my life now.  It’s surprisingly emotional when it comes to an end and you know you’ll soon be required to make decisions and do laundry. While most Backroads trips are only six days, because of the pace and the fact that you tend to live in and notice every moment, time passes slowly and the trip seems longer, in the best possible way.

This final day dawned unmistakably bright. Our hike took us from the edge of a village over some rolling hills toward the sea, and into the paths of the cutest, muddy-ankled cows who have ever walked the face of the earth. One sweet little face in particular.

Obviously my spirit animal.

After we bid farewell to our cows, we came across the most brilliant handmade sign ever, imparting a few gentle suggestions about how to behave as we hiked through the owner’s property.  Keep the faries safe.

Our path ended at the water’s edge and our first white sand beach, completely deserted.

After spending some time walking about and gazing out to sea, we reluctantly turned around and made our way back.  But there’s always time for a wee stop at a pop-up cafe.  We soon came upon Jenny, who had opened the Highland Cafe, stocking it with cookies, fruit, hot chocolate and Baileys and Cream – best ever. My pal Irwin declared his Baileys and hot chocolate to be the best drink he had ever tasted.  Again, we would have lingered, but alas, the rains came, a ferry awaited, and so we skedaddled.

I love ferries, I don’t know why. I’m not generally a huge fan of being on the water in some sort of tippy vessel, but I’m all about an hour ferry ride in the Scottish Highlands, especially when you can see your destination, Mallaig, across the water from the dock. It was sad to bid farewell to Skye, but we had Hogwarts in our future, and best not to keep Dumbledore waiting.

In Mallaig, a charming coastal town, we walked a few blocks to catch the Jacobite steam train to Fort William.  This train has been operating under various names and with different operators every summer since 1984 and its route is incredibly scenic and has always been popular with tourists.  The company running the show provided Warner Brothers with the train used as the Hogwarts Express in all the Harry Potter movies and allowed them use of the Jacobite’s route for filming, particularly the famous Glenfinnan viaduct.  So you’ve all seen it.   I mean, you should have if you are my friend.  Not to miss an opportunity, as if riding on an actual steam train in the Highlands were not enough, the train now completely traffics in Harry Potter.  There’s even a Potter-themed gift shop in one of the cars.  And there are children everywhere, in costume, having the time of their lives.  One German boy dressed as Harry ran up and down the aisle in our car, followed by a trotting, indulgent father wielding an iPad in front of his face to capture every moment on video.  We snagged the boy during one of his passes and invited him into our car.  He spoke no English but knew exactly what we were hankering for. He promptly sat down and wielded his wand for photos.

All along the route, tourists were standing about on country roads with cameras at the ready, to photograph the train as it rumbled past, belching steam.  Pretty remarkable.

After arriving in Fort William, we found the vans in the train station parking lot.  How they got there, I have no idea. We climbed aboard and headed to a private Island called Eriska, and the beautiful Isle of Eriska Hotel.  Maybe the swankiest hotel of our trip – I had a suite of rooms the size of many apartments I’ve lived in.  Goodness.

We convened for our final cocktail party and dinner, all dressed up and fancy-like.  We unanimously decided to forgo the planned hour-long walk around the grounds the following morning, advertised as being “probably really muddy,” in favor of enjoying the beautiful hotel and bidding a fond and leisurely farewell to one another.

Fittingly, our final sunset was a doozy.

We shared one last van ride as the leaders dropped me at my hotel in Fort William and took the rest of the guests to the Inverness Airport to continue their journeys away from this magical country.

Thanks, Backroads, and especially Jenny, Eileen and Keith.  You guys rock.